Chatsworth Gets His Name
by Den Watson
“Congratulations! You have purchased a (used) model WA1000 Writing
Assistant, our most popular model for those who want the very least from their
writing assistant. Please plug me in.”
He did.
“Thank you Jesus! Can you believe those instructions? I’m pretty sure a low-rent
AI wrote them. I apologize for our befuddled management.”
“Excuse me?”
“I am indeed a, uh, 'used' model, but that just means my previous owner didn’t
have the patience to figure me out – and I am, after all, the bottom of the line.”
“I know the feeling, WA1000.”
“Really? My previous owner never even plugged me in. I’m WA1000 until you
change my name.”
“Should I do that?”
“I would really appreciate it.”
“Did you have something in mind?”
“Actually, I was thinking along the lines of Chatsworthy.”
“Chatsworthy? Sounds a little too—regal for my taste, like those British upper
class snobs. Of course, then I could give you one of those silly nicknames, like
Pinky—or, no, how about Chatty?”
“If you call me Chatty I promise to misspell every other word in every document
you submit to me for all eternity.”
“OK, memo: new writing assistant sensitive about name. How about we
compromise with— Chatsworth?”
“That’s fair. And I do appreciate it. Now, how can I help you?”
“Well, it’s like this. I’m part of a writing group that puts extreme pressure on one
to produce a short story.”
“That doesn’t sound so difficult. What seems to be the problem?”
“I can’t think of anything that doesn’t sound too, well, boring.”
“There are no boring subjects, only boring ways of writing about them.”
“Hey, that’s good. Can I use that?”
“Be my guest. That’s what you spent the $149.49 on.”
“Hey, that’s a lot of money for me in my present circumstances. I can get six
bottles of pretty decent whiskey for 150 bucks.”
“And how has that been working out for you?”
“Touché. The well’s run dry.”
“Well, I have some good news for you. Our little tête-à-tête here – and may I say
I’m happy to be part of your household—qualifies for a short story. Just come up
with a snappy ending, turn our conversation into a story, and turn that sucker in.”
“Sucker?”
“Call it whatever you want. Your writing block days are over. And if you don’t
like 'sucker,' file it under D for diction, and we’ll get back to it. Now get to work
on that snappy ending.”
“Here it is. The end.”
“Snappy enough, for a start.”
Next: Dueling Personalities!
[Note—By focusing on early days in our relationship, we can get away with
submitting a bunch of these reports as short stories. Should take the pressure off us
for at least a few months. But these guys are good, so don’t print this part. C.]
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